The Return of Sleep Paralysis

A while ago, I had written a poem about a sleep condition that I have on and off, sleep paralysis – a sensation where you feel like you are awake, and there is something or someone in the room with you that you fear, but your body and voice is paralyzed, so you are unable to escape or defend yourself. It has to do with the how the brain paralyzes your body while you are dreaming to prevent you from physically acting out your dreams, but sometimes doesn’t release the paralysis when you are awaking, or starts it too early when you are falling asleep. You then find yourself in a familiar place, like your bedroom or another area in your house, awake but not safe.

It has been awhile since I experienced it, but it has now resurfaced with a vengeance. One night in particular I had three episodes of it. Over the past few nights, there were two memorable episodes. The first felt like I woke up to the flash of a camera. Someone that I couldn’t see but I knew was there standing at the foot of our bed had just taken a picture of us, and I was certain that their next move was to kill us. I truly believed we were about to be murdered. In the second one, I awoke and was looking at the bedroom window. Through the blinds, I saw a figure in a baseball hat trying to pry the window open. Fortunately, my fiancé has been my knight in shining armor every time it happened, waking me up when I started twitching or making weird sounds, and then calming me down so I can go back to sleep, which is a difficult task considering I wake up in a mild panic attack.

So for those of you who have experienced this, here are a few things I have noticed that have coincided with the return of this for me, along with the ways out of it.

  • Watching creepy movies is a definite trigger. I like scary, horror, thriller movies, and the return of my sleep paralysis came after the nights when I watched House of Wax, Taken, and Seven.
  • One of the things I want to do most is try to move, hoping to get my mate’s attention, but the most movement that is noticeable no matter what I’m doing in my mind is twitching. What does work is trying to make a sound. It may not come out as loud as I want it, but it is more likely to get my rescuer’s attention. And in the past, when I was sleeping alone, the noise I made would sometimes snap me out of it.
  • Contrary to the things I have read, sleeping on my back is not always the culprit. My last several episodes happened when I was sleeping on my side.
  • There have been occasions when I realize I am going into a sleep paralysis hallucination as I’m falling asleep. It feels somewhat like I’m slipping into a black hole, almost like I’m forcibly being put to sleep. When I realize this, I focus on seeing a particular person, like my fiancé, someone I know wouldn’t hurt me so I wouldn’t have to fear him in my dreamlike state. It’s hard to do after I’ve had a recent episode the same night, as I’m already scared of falling asleep again in the first place. But sometimes, it works, and I pass that phase and fall into regular dreams again.

The following are some videos about sleep paralysis – what it is, and even how to learn to take control of the experience (including use of lucid dreaming techniques), something I will definitely work on if I continue having these experiences. If you experience sleep paralysis, or just find this interesting, I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.

Dreaming of Birds

Recently, I have had two very memorable dreams about birds. The first dream, a few weeks ago, I had this bird in my hand that I thought was dead. But then, it came to life again. Just as I was feeling the joy that my little bird was alive, it fell out of my hand into a storm drain in a parking lot. I was left feeling sad because I did not know if the bird would have survived the fall, and if it did, could it get out. If not, I knew it would starve to death and die in the drain.

The next dream, a few days ago, was about this bird that flew into my vehicle while I was driving. I left the window open, hoping it would fly out again, and it did a few times, but then flew back in. When I held my hand out to it, it would hop onto the back of my hand and just sit there. So I took it inside my house, and fed it. It ate seeds right off of my skin. I left it for a little while, I think to get something out of my car, and came running back home because I felt it was in danger. I found it sitting on the ironing board, and held my hand out. It jumped onto the back of my hand again, and I took it outside, cupping my other hand around it to protect it from bees that I thought were nearby.

The second dream affected me the most. I woke up and spent the entire day really missing this little bird.

Sleep Paralysis

This was written during a phase where I had recurring bouts of sleep paralysis, something I have dealt with for years. Basically, I would feel like I was awake, lying in bed, and something or someone was coming after me, but I could not move to get away from it or scream for help – a combination of hallucinations and actual physical paralysis. Upon waking from this, I would be too filled with anxiety to go back to sleep.

I was so thankful when someone sent a link to this through a post on Myspace… it gave me the definition to something I thought was just an unpreventable recurring nightmare. I have not experienced it for a few months, mostly because my fiance makes sure I do not sleep on my back, which is the position that tends to trigger it.

My worst nightmares
Happen as if I am awake
I hear a voice, feel a presence
Cannot move from my slumber
To fight, to scream, to break free
From these beings intending harm
I lie afraid, wondering what is to come
Will they find me in this state, paralyzed
Take advantage, take my life, take my soul
When I finally awake, I find myself trembling
Gasping for air, and crying, and wondering why
No salvation came, no one heard the silent screams
The rest of the night, I lay awake terrified of my dreams

In My Dreams

In our old kitchen
We danced last night
In my dreams
Like we cannot today
There was laughter
Loud and strong
In my dreams
Where none exists today
And I knew that
Even before I awoke
From my dreams
I would miss you
For in reality soon
You will be gone, but
In my dreams
You shall live on
So until I see you
In another time and space
In my dreams
We will dance together

Warm and Fuzzy Feeling Dreams

Last night, I dreamt that my fiancé and I were going to start up our own hospital. We only had four beds available, and we wanted to take four patients out of a nearby facility. The lady we were dealing with wanted us to take all six of her patients, two of which we did not want. One of the patients, who was being neglected, was this Japanese man with a mangled face and no legs. Everyone was ignoring him, but I looked at him and smiled. He looked back at me and smiled as well, which left me all happy inside when I woke up.

My fiancé had a much better and more normal dream than I did – he dreamt that we had a three year old daughter, and he was tickling her. He asked if she liked it, and she said yes. When he told me about that dream over lunch, I was just filled with the warm and fuzzy feelings all over. Especially when he added it made him want a child now. :)